20 Thoughts on Turning 40

I just turned 41 years old. I'm not going to lie, 40 hit hard. Really hard. And it didn't hit all at once. As a matter of fact, my 40th birthday wasn't really all that bad. It was the six months following turning 40 that caused the most emotional turmoil for me. It was the realization sinking in that I would never again be 30-something, the time I had to ponder what being 40 meant that caused me pain. 

If anyone knows me, they know I love Friends. I became an adult with the "friends." I graduated high school in 1993. Friends first aired in 1994. And Friends has now been a part of my life for...22 years! I'm going to pause for a brief mental breakdown after doing that math.

Anyway, I am incapable of telling a story without making a Friends reference at this point in my life, so I figured there would be nothing more appropriate than explaining my thoughts on turning 40.... on being 40....with Friends gifs. And here is what I have realized about hitting 40....

1. My children are going to leave me, and I'm afraid they will be so happy to get away from me that they'll never look back.

2. Half of my life is most likely over. And the next half doesn't lead to adulthood like the first half did. It leads to old age and death.

3. Why am I here? Seriously. Somebody tell me. It occurred to me shortly after my 40th birthday that I no longer have goals or dreams. I don't even know what to do with that information.

4. Why haven't I been out of this country? To New York? On a cruise? How did I make it to 40 with no passport?

5. There is no replay button. It occurred to me at some point in my late 30s that I've had it in my head this entire time that we somehow get a redo. Of course, if my conscious mind had realized my subconscious thought this, I would have disappointed myself with reason a long time ago.

6. I'm a grown up. I keep looking around and noticing everybody is getting younger. When did I become the oldest one in the room? I'm not responsible or wise enough for this. I still listen to boy bands and watch Disney Channel.

7. I'm going to lose people I can't imagine living without. This fact pops into my mind way too often. I'm not going to linger here....because I just can't.

8. I'm so old that I'm currently counting down the years to retirement...and there are fewer years to retirement than there are years I have worked.

9. I can no longer handle loud noises. Why in the world must teenagers listen to music so loud? If I can hear the music coming out of their headphones, it's too darn loud.

10. I have hair in strange places. Why don't people warn you about this? It's weird. I don't like it.

11. I can't move after a few hours (*cough* minutes) of yard work...or, to be honest, after sitting down for more than 10 minutes at a time.

12. My bed is my favorite place in the world.

13. I need to wear makeup because I'm old, but I don't feel like wearing makeup....because I'm old. And I must also mention that I have WAY more zits at 40 than I ever did at 14.

14. I know why old people go to bed early. My eyes can't focus past 9 o'clock. They dry up like cotton balls and beg for mercy.

15. I can't sew, cook, knit, or grow flowers. What in the world am I going to do when I retire?

16. I am going to be a crappy grandmother because I can't sew, cook, knit, or grow flowers. I can pretend, but I think they'll figure out I suck.

17. I never learned to turn a cartwheel. I guess that ship has sailed.

18. The only thing I have to look forward to about getting older is shrinking...which I'm sure is nature's way of laughing at us for trying to be thin all of our lives. Goodness knows I love me a good dessert.

19. My memory is so bad that I often forget why I walked into a room. But what bothers me most is that I have forgotten a great deal of my children's childhoods.

20. I am blessed. I have the best husband in the world. I have three healthy, strong daughters. And I have a God who never gives up me even though I fail him what must be every second of the day. How in the world do people get through life without the hope I have in Jesus? I would be utterly lost without Him.

The Circle of Sin

If you think about it, sin affects our lives more powerfully than anything else.

Our Own Sin...

When we sin ourselves, we are faced with guilt and shame and the knowledge that we have somehow damaged a relationship that is important to us, whether that relationship be between us and God, us and another person, or us and ourselves. More times than not, all three of those relationships are damaged when sin comes into the picture.

The time in my life when I felt the power of sin the most was when I was a teenager and one of my sins became public. Being someone who prided myself on being a “good girl,” the public awareness of my sin was humiliating and shameful.

(Warning: I'm about to chase as rabbit) You know, I almost hit delete just then when I typed the word “prided” because I know that, as a Christian, pride isn’t supposed to go along with anything that supposedly represents the grace God offers by allowing me to call myself a Christian...but I couldn’t delete it...because it’s true. This sin that I committed separated me from God because I let my pride separate me from God. At the time I would beg God over and over to forgive me, and I knew, even then, that it was I who was not being forgiving. But, in all honesty, as I type this at the age of 40, I realize that I couldn’t forgive myself because I damaged my own pride. I was angry with myself, and I focused that anger on my relationship with God. I blamed myself for destroying my witness. I blamed myself for turning my back on God. I blamed myself for not being the person I knew that I was. And that is really how I felt. Those are really the prayers that I prayed for a solid five years before I was able to let that anger and blame go. And while my sin did do all those things--hurt my witness, hurt my relationship with God, ruined my reputation as a “good girl”--part of the anger I felt toward myself was because I had lost my position. I had lost my status. Much of the guilt and shame came from genuine grief over my sin against God. I felt the weight of that grief long before my sin was made public. But once my sin did become public, something changed. Why was it worse than when I only had to struggle with the sin myself? The public knowledge of my sin affected my pride whereas the private realization of it did not. More than anyone else, the person I hurt with my sin was me.

During this time in my life, I struggled to believe I was worthy of God’s forgiveness, which led to a struggle to be involved in church like I had been before. I struggled to forgive myself, which led to many poor choices as I attempted to right something that I could not right on my own. I struggled to look my friends and family in the eyes, which led to broken relationships and relationships that would gradually fade into memories. My sin affected my entire life. And it didn’t just affect my life for that moment. It affected my life forever.

Other People's Sin...

Another reason sin is such a powerful force in our lives is that people sin against us. Sin hurts us. It makes us fearful, sad, angry, and broken. When someone sins against us, we lose trust in them and sometimes even trust in God. We are changed by that sin. We are damaged. Sin, our own or those of others, creates a barrier between us and the joy God has for us.

I’ve been hurt often in my life, as we all have. There are some wounds that take longer to heal than others, leaving a scar that others can see. Then there are smaller cuts, the scars of which are visible only to us. Both types of scars affect us. We become who we are in part because of these scars. Divorce, physical abuse, drug abuse, and a myriad of other sins that come into our lives at the hands of another change who we are and how we interact with those around us. When we are hurt, we have a new filter on the lens with which we look out at the world. Songs are a little sadder, the sunset is a little darker, rainy days are a little longer. But it's not just those "big sins" that change us. Being left out of a group at school because you aren't as athletic as they are, not being invited to a party because you don't drink, phone messages that are long left unanswered, these "smaller sins" can also create new filters for our lens. They, too, can make us cry a little harder, feel a little more insecure, and keep us from trying. But, thank God, that's not the end of this story....

God's Mercy...

While sin is a nasty word, a cancer to our souls, without it, we wouldn’t know God’s mercy. We wouldn’t be able to experience God’s forgiveness that comes from his overwhelming love for us. In turn, we wouldn’t know how desperately others need our forgiveness. Compassion, grace, generosity, kindness would be dimmed by our lack of sin because our perfection would not allow us to connect with others in the same way that a shared need for God’s mercy connects us. And not only does our own sin help us to see God's love better, the sins we suffer at the hands of others do as well. Remember those filters that appear on our lenses through which we see the world? Those lenses create empathy within us. When you've been hurt by a loved one's drug abuse, you look out at the world and see others who are being hurt by drug abuse. And not only do you notice them, you have a much deeper knowledge of what they need. You know how to help because you've been there. Have you been hurt by divorce? Statistics show that over half of all marriages end in divorce. This wound is all around you and needs your expertise at survival to help others get through this valley into which divorce has dumped them. If you had never been hurt in your life...if I had never been hurt in my life, how would I know what to say? How would I know what to do when those I love experience those same hurts? I wouldn't.

Is that why God allows us free will? In his complete wisdom did He know that we would need to mess up in order to truly love each other? Did he know that sin would draw us closer to the people we need in our lives? Did he know our battle with sin would draw us closer to Him? Of course He knew. Of course He knows. So what does this mean? God hates sin. Sin draws us closer to God. God uses sin. Sin separates us from God. We need to sin in order to have mercy on others. Sin damages our relationships and hurts others. This paradox is beyond comprehensible. It’s a cycle I can’t figure my way out of. We need to mess up, but we are not supposed to mess up.

Here is what I have determined. The truth is that we are human beings who are going to sin just as we are going to breathe. The truth is that those of us who belong to God are going to feel an overwhelming need to avoid sin, just as we feel an overwhelming need to avoid danger. Our human nature and the Holy Spirit living within us will battle until our dying day, BUT, on that day, the Holy Spirit will win. As long as we stay in the battle, we can know the Holy Spirit will win.

That is the story of sin in our lives. God uses even this thing that He hates, this thing that cannot even be in His presence, to demonstrate once and for all that HE WINS. He wins when we show compassion to one another. He wins when we forgive each other. He wins when we turn from sin and reach out to Him. He wins. Sin is not our story. God’s mercy is our story. And God’s mercy can only truly be understood when sin is in the picture. Amen.

My Salvation Story

My story of salvation…

I was 9 when I first asked Jesus to “come into my heart and wash it white as snow.” I was at Vacation Bible School with a friend, at a church I had never visited before. My cousin went with me. He was older and cooler, at least to me. He went down the aisle during invitation. Then so did I. I remember the experience fairly vividly. I remember how awkward I felt when the lady asked me to pray after she had prayed. I remember just mumbling out that familiar request I had heard several times before. 

What I don’t remember is anything changing after that. I was 9. I wasn’t exactly going out partying before this day and then not going out partying the next. I wasn’t cussing like a sailor one day and speaking the words of angels the next. I don’t remember anything being different. My parents weren’t in church, so neither was I. I felt a lot of guilt and shame over that. When people would ask me what church I went to, I would just say the last one I had visited. But the truth is, I didn’t go to church at all. There was a club that met over my mother’s rental office in the apartments near my house...Big A, they called it. This is where the majority of my bible knowledge came from. My mother told me that if I didn’t go to Big A, I’d have to go to church. So I went to Big A. I mean, what was I supposed to do? Go to church alone? I was maybe 12. 

Then when I was 15, I began going to church with some friends who invited me. I fell in love with it. Everyone there was so nice and welcoming. My bestie and I fit right in. From that point on, I was there every time the doors were open….and I’m only kind of exaggerating. I went to church on Sunday mornings, Sunday nights, Wednesday nights, and to all special events or services. I helped with Vacation Bible School, Summer Singers, and anything else they asked me to help with. At some point it occurred to me that my salvation may not have been sincere, so I got on my knees beside my bed and begged God to save me. I would do this a lot. 

Why I continued to doubt my salvation, I don’t know. Well, actually I guess I do know. Sin. And not being able to forgive myself for sin. This would continue to be a problem for me for years. I was baptized in the spring of my freshman year of high school...and then again when I was 23 or 24….always trying to make sure my name was in the book. 

While my baptist brothers and sisters would say I was saved in a breath, I don’t know that I agree. Salvation is a mystery to me. I never feel good enough or worthy enough. But I guess that's the point. The entire reason we need salvation from Christ is that we are never good enough or worthy enough of His holiness. Thank goodness for salvation. No, thank God for salvation. Because however salvation happens--in a breath, with a word, as a process--there is nothing more comforting than knowing God has your back. And He has my back. This is my story. This is my song. Amen.

30 Things I Learned from my Daddy

1. If your meal is really good, people will be able to see it on your face. And your shirt. And maybe your pants.

2. You are never too old for cartoons. Seriously. Never.

3. Random singing brings joy. Maybe not always to those around you. But it brings joy, nonetheless.

4. Making those you love happy is the only way to make yourself happy.

5. Sometimes the people you love make really stupid decisions and you just have to keep your mouth shut, because if you don’t, they’ll just get mad at you and still do it anyway. 

6. It’s okay to cry. 

7. Reba is the funniest show on television.

8. The best way to eat toast and jelly is to mix the jelly with butter first. It spreads more easily.

9. Your heart may not always be correct, but it’s the best decision-making tool you’ve got. Use it.

10. Big bellies make the best pillows.

11. You haven’t come to a complete stop until you feel your tires roll back. 

12. I’m a bad driver. (see #11)

13. Every gray cloud is a warning to stay inside and off the roads. (I didn’t say he was always right.)

14. “Smothercate” is a word.

15. Occasionally, the idea of a place is enough. Actually going there is often not as much fun as the trips you take in your imagination.

16. Be honest. Lying to protect someone doesn’t protect them. It makes them doubt you. 

17. Keep your eye on the ball. Literally. He taught me to catch a ball with a glove and to hit with a bat. That man had some patience. 

18. A real man worries about his daughter’s car. He checks the oil. He checks the tires. He reminds her to be safe and not to drive too fast.

19. Christmas isn’t complete without pecans and oranges.

20. Love everybody.

21. Forgive everybody.

22. Be happy and laugh a lot.

23. Don’t take everything so seriously. Life will go on one way or another. 

24. Don’t worry. It doesn’t help a darn thing.

25. You can never have too many socks.

26. Not all storytelling is about making sense or making a point. Sometimes you just want to make someone smile. 

27. A good husband will show genuine concern for his wife’s safety, happiness, and well-being. Always.

28. If someone or something makes you mad or stresses you out, take a nap.

29. Some of the best conversations have no words.

30. I am one blessed girl.

Raising Daughters

I have three daughters. Three. DAUGHTERS. And here is what I've learned...

At 10 years old, she brightens every room she enters. You look at her and immediately glow. Everything she does is precious. She loves you. She tells you she loves you. She needs you and wants you around. There are even occasions when she tells you how wonderful you are and how lucky she is to have you as her momma. Life is great. 

At 16 years old, reality has set in. You still love her, but you aren't allowed to show it....unless it's through gifts. Everything you do is annoying. She hates you seemingly for just breathing in her presence. You are the most embarrassing person on the planet and nothing could be worse than being compared to you. You wonder what evil you have done in your life to deserve this fresh hell. 

At 20 years old, she lets you love her again. She even admits to loving you back. Hugs are back on the table. But the looming future is there to steal her away. She is leaving to start her own life. You wonder where you will fit in and wonder where that 10-year-old little girl went. And how she disappeared so quickly. You pull out pictures of her childhood and cry over them while she talks of nothing but college graduation, her first "big girl job," and that boy who makes her start picturing herself all dressed in white. 

Like I said, I have three daughters. I have one at each of these stages as I type. I need therapy. 

Because now that I have gotten to stage 3 with the oldest, I can look ahead and know that the 10-year-old will eventually hate me and then will eventually leave me. It makes this stage with her all the more joyous and all the more depressing. I know that my 16-year-old will eventually be able to stand me again, but she will leave as well. That fact at least makes this phase a little bearable. Because she may hate me, but she's here. I can look over at her, grimace on her face, brow furrowed, and know she's here. And it's stage 1 and 2 that make it even harder to watch my 20-year old go through phase 3. Because there was a time that she thought I was wonderful and that I was all she needed. She, too, lit up a room and brought a glow to my face. She still does. 

What gets me through this stage 3 is the hope that she will one day have daughters. And those sweet, precious children will take her through these stages as well, and she will come to me, knowing I've been there. I watched her go from a precious ball of joy to an eye-rolling demon and back again. And, possibly with a little therapy, I survived.