My story of salvation…
I was 9 when I first asked Jesus to “come into my heart and wash it white as snow.” I was at Vacation Bible School with a friend, at a church I had never visited before. My cousin went with me. He was older and cooler, at least to me. He went down the aisle during invitation. Then so did I. I remember the experience fairly vividly. I remember how awkward I felt when the lady asked me to pray after she had prayed. I remember just mumbling out that familiar request I had heard several times before.
What I don’t remember is anything changing after that. I was 9. I wasn’t exactly going out partying before this day and then not going out partying the next. I wasn’t cussing like a sailor one day and speaking the words of angels the next. I don’t remember anything being different. My parents weren’t in church, so neither was I. I felt a lot of guilt and shame over that. When people would ask me what church I went to, I would just say the last one I had visited. But the truth is, I didn’t go to church at all. There was a club that met over my mother’s rental office in the apartments near my house...Big A, they called it. This is where the majority of my bible knowledge came from. My mother told me that if I didn’t go to Big A, I’d have to go to church. So I went to Big A. I mean, what was I supposed to do? Go to church alone? I was maybe 12.
Then when I was 15, I began going to church with some friends who invited me. I fell in love with it. Everyone there was so nice and welcoming. My bestie and I fit right in. From that point on, I was there every time the doors were open….and I’m only kind of exaggerating. I went to church on Sunday mornings, Sunday nights, Wednesday nights, and to all special events or services. I helped with Vacation Bible School, Summer Singers, and anything else they asked me to help with. At some point it occurred to me that my salvation may not have been sincere, so I got on my knees beside my bed and begged God to save me. I would do this a lot.
Why I continued to doubt my salvation, I don’t know. Well, actually I guess I do know. Sin. And not being able to forgive myself for sin. This would continue to be a problem for me for years. I was baptized in the spring of my freshman year of high school...and then again when I was 23 or 24….always trying to make sure my name was in the book.
While my baptist brothers and sisters would say I was saved in a breath, I don’t know that I agree. Salvation is a mystery to me. I never feel good enough or worthy enough. But I guess that's the point. The entire reason we need salvation from Christ is that we are never good enough or worthy enough of His holiness. Thank goodness for salvation. No, thank God for salvation. Because however salvation happens--in a breath, with a word, as a process--there is nothing more comforting than knowing God has your back. And He has my back. This is my story. This is my song. Amen.
What I don’t remember is anything changing after that. I was 9. I wasn’t exactly going out partying before this day and then not going out partying the next. I wasn’t cussing like a sailor one day and speaking the words of angels the next. I don’t remember anything being different. My parents weren’t in church, so neither was I. I felt a lot of guilt and shame over that. When people would ask me what church I went to, I would just say the last one I had visited. But the truth is, I didn’t go to church at all. There was a club that met over my mother’s rental office in the apartments near my house...Big A, they called it. This is where the majority of my bible knowledge came from. My mother told me that if I didn’t go to Big A, I’d have to go to church. So I went to Big A. I mean, what was I supposed to do? Go to church alone? I was maybe 12.
Then when I was 15, I began going to church with some friends who invited me. I fell in love with it. Everyone there was so nice and welcoming. My bestie and I fit right in. From that point on, I was there every time the doors were open….and I’m only kind of exaggerating. I went to church on Sunday mornings, Sunday nights, Wednesday nights, and to all special events or services. I helped with Vacation Bible School, Summer Singers, and anything else they asked me to help with. At some point it occurred to me that my salvation may not have been sincere, so I got on my knees beside my bed and begged God to save me. I would do this a lot.
Why I continued to doubt my salvation, I don’t know. Well, actually I guess I do know. Sin. And not being able to forgive myself for sin. This would continue to be a problem for me for years. I was baptized in the spring of my freshman year of high school...and then again when I was 23 or 24….always trying to make sure my name was in the book.
While my baptist brothers and sisters would say I was saved in a breath, I don’t know that I agree. Salvation is a mystery to me. I never feel good enough or worthy enough. But I guess that's the point. The entire reason we need salvation from Christ is that we are never good enough or worthy enough of His holiness. Thank goodness for salvation. No, thank God for salvation. Because however salvation happens--in a breath, with a word, as a process--there is nothing more comforting than knowing God has your back. And He has my back. This is my story. This is my song. Amen.
No comments:
Post a Comment